The Relationships Thread

[Bisset]

Well...could have gone better, could have gone worse to be fair. We've already hooked up one before, her concern is that she thinks I might just be on the rebound (I'm not but that's a difficult thing to convince someone of!) and it's also a little soon since her break up where her ex is still pining after her.

Current tactic? Do nothing except be my usual charming self and see what happenes with time, no pushing, no pressure just rolling with it.

[Matty_the_Emo_Slayer]

I'm in a bit of a complex situation as usual. I've been sleeping with this girl for a few weeks now on and off (whenever she's in Belfast which is only sporadically over the summer) and we also get on really well as friends (we're both literature students so it's not really surprising) and there's obvious affection there too. She's pretty adamant about staying out of relationships though, which is fair enough as she's not even a year single since her 5-year relationship ended. The annoying bit is that she wants us to keep it a secret amongst our mutual friends because in her mad phase after her breakup she slept with 3 of my mates (including one housemate) and it caused a shitload of drama. Hopefully we'll reassess things at the end of the summer though after the housemate moves away to wales for his phd. I'm not certain i want it to go to the level of a full relationship, but being able to at least show affection in public would be nice.

But why do people need to know? It's none of their business, and if she's had shit before (admittedly through her own actions) it's understandable her wanting people out of her private life. I think you should respect that wish really. Public affection isn't necessary, my best friend here and her boyfriend have been together for nearly four years, they're one of the strongest couples I know and they never show any kind of affection in public. They keep it all for them!

I see you're point, but in her own words she is "an absolute cuddle whore" which i suppose describes me pretty well too.

I knew full well we wouldn't last til the end of the summer before the cat was let out of the bag but i didn't think it would be so quickly. Last night she comes back to my house along with my housemates after a night out (i was feeling to knackered after work to go out and meet them) and she slipped upstairs to give me a quick cuddle and kiss but one thing lead to another and she ended up staying in my room all night. No drama caused though and everyone seems really happy of the idea of me and her together.

For now it's not a relationship though, she has too many hangups about that still, but we've both admitted there's room for that to change if we continue developing stronger feelings for each other. I'm happy enough with that setup for now, really if i think about it the main reason i wanted her to be my full-time wench was because i miss having the sort of cut and dry relationship i had when i was a teenager instead of the complicatedness that's plagued me ever since.

[kanet666]

Well, everything was going well with my girlfriend. I'd taken her out to her first ever restaurant date, had her the "happiest she's ever been", and I was the only one she came to for solace and to talk about anything that was troubling her. Then a few weeks ago whilst she was out with a few friends the one person she didn't know in the group did something unspeakable to her.

She told me the next day, and I stood by her (as I felt that was the right thing to do) and at first it seemed we were going to get past it. Suddenly a week and half ago she went from wanting me to be there for her, to wanting me gone in the space of about two hours. All I could see in her was fear, she couldn't even look me in the face, even when she ended it. And now she's finding solace in another guy (I'm not sure whether it's a relationship or not yet).

The week since she ended it has been almost unbearable. It feels like my mind and body are separated, for example when my mind wants to eat, my body won't let it. I'm losing my mind, and knowing what happened to her and how I feel for her means I'm stuggling to disconnect.

The worst part of it all is knowing that this time I've done everything right, but still lost it all.

[Bisset]

Seriously Marcus, just...just no

Anyway Kanet, I'm not going to lie that's a pretty shitty situation to happen. I won't pry into whatever else has happened but from the sounds of it you did nothing wrong. No that that's much solace or consolation at the moment but at least you can hold your head up and say that you did everything right and there's nothing else you could have done to change this fact. Sounds like she's gone a little off the rails but chin up chum!

[Azubi]

Aye that's a shitty situation you are in there fella! What is this unspeakable because it sounds pretty key to the situation.

[kanet666]

Aye that's a shitty situation you are in there fella! What is this unspeakable because it sounds pretty key to the situation.

She was out with a few friends one night, and they went over to a "friend of a friends" house, and when she went upstairs to the bathroom this guy went and well, let's just say he forced her. I've seen the cuts and the bruises, and the emotional scarring it left behind to believe her. The fact that her so called "friends" said nothing at all when she went back down again is amazing.

When she told me she was scared that I would leave, because she thought she'd betrayed me. In fact, if it wasn't for me understanding she'd already planned how to end everything. If she had done I'd never have forgiven myself. I don't know who the guy is, but there must be something about him that she sees in me, because there is so much fear there.

[Azubi]

Has it been reported to the police?

[kanet666]

I wanted her to, and her counsellor also wanted her to, but she won't, perhaps in fear, perhaps not, I don't know. I don't know who did it and I don't want to know either. I've been cut off completely so there's not a lot I can do.

[Fjar]

cuts and the bruises

That sounds incredibly violent. She really should report him, he could always do it again, either to her or someone else.

[Littlemissmetal]

I'm really sorry to hear that A friend of mine endured something very similar. The fear is a completely natural reaction, please try not to take it too personally - it really *isn't* you.

In an ideal world all instances like that should be reported, but most aren't. She needs to make her own decision and will do it regardless of what people say to her - in fact, the more people say "you should report it" to her the less likely she is to actually do it.

A less pressured suggestion to make to her (possibly) is to contact someone like Rape Crisis. It isn't the sort of thing that should be bottled up - that's how my friend tried to deal with it and the aftermath of that approach stopping being effective was horrific. Counselling was the only way forward to her - I think it's something that should be gently encouraged.

[Azubi]

I don't know who did it and I don't want to know either. I've been cut off completely so there's not a lot I can do.

Really? I'm fairly confident if someone had raped my girlfriend I'd be chasing up the mutual friends to find out who the fuck it was who did it. What I would do once I had found out, I really could not say but not wanting to know just sounds like you couldn't really give a fuck.

[Matty_the_Emo_Slayer]

Reading the last few posts I feel there needs to be two hammer attacks. One, the banhammer taken to Boneduster (at long last) and two, a clawhammer to the face of this unknown attacker.

[keera_envenomed]

kanet - I can't begin to imagine what you and her are going through. I'd like to echo everyone's sentiments that its not you at all.

Also, I really feel obligated to inform boneduster's mrs that he finds sexual assault hilarious.

[Littlemissmetal]

Also, I really feel obligated to inform boneduster's mrs that he finds sexual assault hilarious.

Well said.

[kanet666]

I'm really sorry to hear that A friend of mine endured something very similar. The fear is a completely natural reaction, please try not to take it too personally - it really *isn't* you.

In an ideal world all instances like that should be reported, but most aren't. She needs to make her own decision and will do it regardless of what people say to her - in fact, the more people say "you should report it" to her the less likely she is to actually do it.

A less pressured suggestion to make to her (possibly) is to contact someone like Rape Crisis. It isn't the sort of thing that should be bottled up - that's how my friend tried to deal with it and the aftermath of that approach stopping being effective was horrific. Counselling was the only way forward to her - I think it's something that should be gently encouraged.

She has a counsellor, due to some other things within her past anyway, but I'm not sure she really listens to him. She has a friend who's been through something similar, and basically all the friends she's confided in told her to ditch me. I worry about her because I know she has been harming herself, and there's nothing I can do because she barely talks to me anymore.

Really? I'm fairly confident if someone had raped my girlfriend I'd be chasing up the mutual friends to find out who the fuck it was who did it. What I would do once I had found out, I really could not say but not wanting to know just sounds like you couldn't really give a fuck.

It's not that I don't give a fuck, I do, and that is why I don't want to know the attacker because if I did I don't know what I might do to him. It'd just hurt her even more, and that's one thing I don't want to do. In any case, the only mutual friend I know of that knows the identity was one that told her to get rid of me, so I highly doubt I'd get the attacker's identity even if I'd wanted to.


I'm also sorry that I've posted this on here, but there are very few people around me that know about it and I feel I can't talk to them about it for some reason, and this is helping a little. Thankyou.