Trivial Grumblings

[Gremulon]

Only my third post and already grumbling...my boss is going on holiday for two weeks as of Monday leaving me to look after everything (there's only two of us in the team) and for the past three days he's been 'working from home'. He was supposed to be in this morning to let me know if there's anything urgent which needs to be done over the two weeks but is yet to turn up.

[Turbo]

Throw an office party. Really run riot because of his lack of leadership and supervision. I'm talking throwing some vital files out the windows. Sound the fire alarms. Order some strippers on the procurement card. Do a little poo in one of his desk drawers. Rub your nutsack on everything he's likely to touch when he does return. Turn the heaters in his office to max temperature. Move all the furniture around (mirror it for subtlety). Block the toilets with the cardboard bits of toilet rolls. Put chewing gum on his seat. Ctrl Alt down arrow on his computer. Kidnap his favourite stapler, and send periodic polaroids to his home address documenting the suffering the stapler has endured i.e. involuntary removal of staples, pulling the pressy down handle up as far as it goes, removal of spring etc. with threats along the lines of "£500,000 behind the bins at (nearest supermarket here) or the f'ing stapler gets it, n00b." I mean the world is your oyster here really.

[Jobdone]

Realistically what you're gonna wanna do is lift fingerprints and hair from all of the items in his office.

Now you wanna wait till he comes back into town, after that find the seediest area in your town. Find a prostitue and hire them for the night,

Now it causes you some hassle in the short term, but will be worth in the long term.

Take this hooker back somewhere, not your house, dear god not your house. Rent a premier inn or something. Go to town on her/him (Your preference) because you're paying the money so you better get some fun but what you wanna do is murder the fuck outta them. Something not too bloody. Pillow smothering or something.

Now wash them, like in the bath head to toe you don't want no connection to this, no potential DNA

Luckily, unlike usual prozzie murder protocol, you don't need to remove the indentifiable stuff so you don't need to remove the finger prints or teeth or anything like that.

Now using some double sided tape reapply his fingerprints and hair to the body, dump it into the woods. Nothing too fancy, like, not right in front of the police station or nothing, but somewhere where people walk their dogs.

Bide your time, answer the inevitable questions, and then take his position when he's imprisoned.

Hire an underling, make sure he's a bit dumb, take on tons and work and leave for holiday for 3 weeks not telling him anything.

If he doesn't frame you for murder you know you've picked the right man.

[Turbo]

So its entirely up to you, either the prostitute or the stapler. There are no other options here really, we've helped as much as we can.

[Jobdone]

Yeah I'm pretty sure we've laid out your only two options here so take your pick.

[Turbo]

Thank goodness for us Joe, our bad cop worse cop routine has helped so many fellow forumers out. I mean just look at Beardy. 2 years ag...nah he's still the same bad example but I am sure there is someone we may have...er...assisted? Hmmm. Give me 10 minutes to properly think this one through?

[Jobdone]

Thank goodness for us Joe, our bad cop worse cop routine has helped so many fellow forumers out. I mean just look at Beardy. 2 years ag...nah he's still the same bad example but I am sure there is someone we may have...er...assisted? Hmmm. Give me 10 minutes to properly think this one through?

I'm just saying that Frank McGee came to this forum a boy and left a man and now he runs a fairly successful club in Essex, and then that twathole John Gideon was all over here but we pointed him in the right direction and suddenly he's converted that pub into a small theatre that supports local plays and realistically in the end I can make up endless amounts of fake character names and non-real scenarios to support my positions on prostitute murder so don't even try me yeah like me old mukka David Cronk who saw my conversation and went on to runa small pottery shop in Sheffield until he released his true love was actually in modern art because he wanted to convey the true terror of the fronts of war and couldn't do so in purely clay.

So if anyone suggests we haven't improved the lives of completely made up people they're chatting shit.

[WorMzy]

Jesus christ guys.

[Noodle]

I would absolutely torrent the fuck out of a Turbo & Jobdone black comedy series. Just planting that idea seed.

[Gremulon]

Followed both of your advice and apparently the police want to speak to me...think it's probably re: the stapler ransom.

Just kidding
He eventually turned up at 3pm (start time 9am) so I didn't have chance to put any of your *ahem* excellent advice into action. Think I'll just passive-aggressively move his paperwork around a bit...Yeah, that'll teach him.

[thehairyone]

Gentlemen, that was glorious. I might buy you beer at some point. Or cider for Joe.

TG: Old school friend text me out of the blue, asked if I wanted to meet up this evening. Sure thing, put off dinner. And put off dinner. Now response to any texts or FB messages. Blown him off now because I'm effing hungry.

[Turbo]

Blown him off now

Steady on, its a family forum.

[thehairyone]

Yes, and I have a reputation to maintain here!

[keera_envenomed]

I'm off work ill and feel rotten. Also, I discovered a trend yesterday for getting tattoos around your nipples to make them heart shaped (Google "heart nipples" - NSFW obvs). I'm not sure which of the 2 makes me want to vomit more.

[WorMzy]

Delivery company sent me a message telling me that the parcel I was expecting to arrive today will now arrive tomorrow because I apparently requested it. o_O

I think they got their wires crossed. Some poor sod hoping that their parcel will arrive tomorrow will find a missed delivery slip in their mail tonight, while I have to wait an extra day for something I was perfectly happy with receiving today. Bah.