movies

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Darkweasel
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:09 pm

DAY #29
(Don't worry, only another two days of this nonsense to go)

WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS
(1971)

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If I learned anything from Werewolves on Wheels (surely a contender for the best film title ever) is that being a biker in the early 1970s was clearly HILARIOUS. When the gang aren't beating up rednecks, stealing gas, or having dusty, greasy sex with each other, they pass the time by laughing at absolutely everything everywhere. Look, a gas pump! HA HA HA!! Hey, a tree! HAAAAAA!!! Beer!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! SATANISTS IN ROBES!!! WOOOOO!! HAHAHAHA!
And so on and so forth.

After stumbling across a satanic cult holed up in a suitably EVIL CHURCH, the cult send the bikers to sleep using drugged bread and wine, but not before possessing one of the female members and turning her into a werewolf.

Next morning the gang walk into the EVIL CHURCH, beat up all the satanists, and are all quickly giggling and guffawing like children again. However, the laughter finally stops when they discover two of their friends have been savaged by something bitey.

Soon enough though, everyone's laughing again. Well, everyone with the exception of their hippiest member, Tarot. See, Tarot's figured out something's not quite right and in some wonderful 1970s hippy-speak, tries to warn their leader, Adam, about it: "That was no accident. It was heavy. Somebody's controlling the vibes".
[translation needed]

Adam's having none of it though and the laughter quickly turns to fisticuffs. Fisticuffs turn into a serious kicking, and then a serious kicking quickly escalates into a fireside werewolf battle before the remaining gang members decide to go back to the EVIL CHURCH and kill the cultists.

ONLY THE CULTISTS ARE ACTUALLY THEMSELVES. Fuck it. It was the '70s. Hallucinogenic drugs were in plentiful supply and endings to Bikersploitaiton films really didn't have to make any sense.

Although severely dated, Werewolves on Wheels is a great little movie, especially with all the werewolves, boobs, and sexy naked snake dancing. It also has the distinction of featuring quite possibly the funniest Satanic ritual ever filmed. After killing a cat and doodling something in blood, cult leader "One" (Severn Darden from Battle for the/Conquest of the Planet of the Apes), ad-libs the ritual like a fucking boss, mumbling something along the lines of "rabadabadabadadamabarambarambararararabbabadada" and just hoping for the best. The thing is, being the early '70s, he probably got away with it.

The soundtrack is excellent, some moody guitar based country for the title theme with a couple of other similar tracks along the way. And whether it's a recommendation or not, Rob Zombie clearly loves this film so much that he used a line of dialogue at the start of his song, Sick Bubblegum.

"Hey, we all know how we're gonna die, baby. We're gonna crash and burn".
6.5/10
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Darkweasel
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:09 pm

Double post.
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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Tue Oct 30, 2018 3:30 pm

Darkweasel wrote:DAY #29
(Don't worry, only another two days of this nonsense to go)



Well I've enjoyed it thanks.
I see the bad moon arising.

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:43 pm

DAY #30

SLENDER MAN
(2018)

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At a party, just for shits and giggles, four teenage girls gather round a computer screen and via the traditional medium of Google and internet chat rooms, invoke the “Slender Man”, a creature of folklore who, when called into our world, steals children, kills them, or drives them insane by making them star in disappointingly bland horror films.

Obviously, this turns out to be a bad move and the creature picks off one of the girls during a school trip to a local cemetery. The remaining girls (and one of their sisters) try to find a way to persuade Slender Man to return their friend and bugger off back to his own world.

Obviously, obviously, it all goes horribly wrong and for the next hour or so we get girls stumbling around the woods and crying, some hiding in bedrooms, and more stumbling around the woods. There is one particularly effective scene inside a library, but even than consists of more stumbling about and crying.

Although undeserving of such a low mark on the Imdb (it currently sits on a mighty 3.1/10), Slender Man doesn't really have a lot going for it. There are a few scenes which promise genuine dread and tension but they always seem to go from being suspenseful to boring all too quickly. The acting is reasonable, and the special effects aren't too terrible, but everything about it screams bang average.
5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Sat Nov 03, 2018 11:30 am

Bit late, but DAY #31

HALLOWEEN
(1978)

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I'll never forget the day after I saw Halloween for the first time. I can't remember if it was the first time it had been shown on TV, or just that it had actually been shown at a reasonable time, but almost everyone else in my class at school had watched it the night before too, and they were all busy talking about it the following morning.

"It was shit", "not scary at all", "boring" and "I was laughing at it" were the most common opinions during the first half an hour while everyone was together in the form room. However, as the day went on I kept receiving furtive, whispering visitors at my table or desk.

"You're the horror fan. What did you think of Halloween?". I must have been asked that ten or fifteen times during the day, and my answer was always the same. "It scared the shit out of me". The responses I met with surprised me at first, but soon became amusingly predictable after only three or four times. "Don't tell anyone else, but it scared the shit out of me too". "Don't tell anyone else, but I had nightmares". "Don't tell anyone else but it was the scariest film I've ever seen". All variations on the same theme. To this day I'm sure those people still believe no-one else in the class/school thought it was scary, and that they were the only ones it succeeded in frightening.

Shot on a shoestring budget over 2000 miles away from it's fictitious Illinois location, and filmed in early spring as opposed to late October, Halloween still manages to completely capture the atmosphere of that time of year perfectly. Costumed trick-or-treaters run from door to door shouting and giggling, their voices echoing in the small town streets, jack-o-lanterns and other decorations are set in front of porches while Autumn leaves (actually nothing more than painted leaf-shaped paper) are blown by occasional gusts of wind as the late afternoon turns first to dusk and then to night-time. It's exactly how I picture October 31st whenever anyone mentions it.

Anyway, I'd say it's time to talk about the film itself now, but in all honesty what's the point? It's horror perfection. John Carpenter is a legend, Michael Myers is creepy as fuck, Donald Pleasence is a walking clenched fist (apart from one scene where he gets to show a never seen again playful side), and a naked PJ Soles gets killed by a bespectacled bed sheet.

It's awesome.
End of.

10/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:36 pm

DEATH HOUSE
(2018)

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Billed as "The Expendables of Horror", Death House features appearances by many of the genre's more (and often less) recognisable faces but offers absolutely nothing in the way of sense, story or style. Sat on the shelf for a year now, Death House is a mess. A confused and disjointed hodgepodge of barely formed and ill-defined ideas.

Opening with Tony (Candyman) Todd smearing some sort of black goo over a girl and then inserting his fingers into her stomach but not actually hurting her, you never actually find out who he is, who the girl is, what the oily stuff is or what it can do, why there's a tap in the middle of a desert, what "The Farm" is, or basically anything. It's like they hired Todd for the film but hadn't decided on the story yet, so filmed something completely different and just hoped it would tie in somewhere. It didn't.

Two special agents of an unspecified variety are given a tour of the Death House - a virtual prison where murderers and rapists are kept drugged and living inside dreams of their own psychoses or something. The agents themselves are no angels, both having killed innocent people to exact revenge on someone who had hurt them in some way before being rewarded with their current assignment. Or did they? Considering the doctors at the Death House love to keep repeating the "we erase people's minds and turn them into something good" line over and over again, it begins to look like the two agents could indeed be former prisoners. And while that is hinted at later, the idea remains unexplored and pretty much forgotten about until the final scene. Where it still isn't explained.

With nine levels (like the nine circles of Hell), the Death House gets progressively worse the further down you go until you finally reach the basement level. This lovely room is occupied by "The Five Evils" - five inmates who may or may not be visions, immortal, or Gods. Or all of the above or none of the above. Either way, after all the build-up and when the time comes to actually meet them, all they actually do is spout metaphysical and theological nonsense for nearly ten minutes and serve no real purpose other than to confuse the story even further.

Anyway, the two agents fight their way through the facility coming up against three nutters who all think they're Satan, some unexplained skinless inmates, Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th Parts VII-X) playing an inmate who could be magical or immortal, and a selection box of other nasty things until they reach the aforementioned Five Evils. They then proceed to have a chat about life, the universe, good, evil, and everything, before buggering off to await the currently-in-production prequel.

On the plus side, Death House is gory, bloody and nasty, but it's also really badly acted, has a virtually indecipherable story, and is extremely badly shot, with so much action happening in the dark that you can barely make out what's actually going on. Sure, there are loads of cameos, but there's only so much "that's him/her out of..." you can do before it becomes distracting to the point of irritating. Especially when many of them are only given walk-on parts with nothing to do or say.

However, all that aside, it does feature a brilliantly gratuitous five minute shower scene with the lovely Cortney Palm. So there's always that.

4/10
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Re: movies

Postby Metalchemyst » Tue Nov 13, 2018 12:04 am

Darkweasel wrote:DAY #30

SLENDER MAN
(2018)

Image

At a party, just for shits and giggles, four teenage girls gather round a computer screen and via the traditional medium of Google and internet chat rooms, invoke the “Slender Man”, a creature of folklore who, when called into our world, steals children, kills them, or drives them insane by making them star in disappointingly bland horror films.
Reminded me of this: https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/d ... en-to-kill
DISTORTION JUNKIES SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Wed Nov 14, 2018 1:37 am

SUSPIRIA
(2018)

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Ever since around 1987 when I first saw Phenomena (or Creepers as it was known back then in its heavily abridged format) - a film which featured a chimpanzee with a straight razor, and Jennifer Connelly talking to insects – I've been a fan of Italian director Dario Argento. With films like Deep Red, Inferno, and Tenebrae, his use of lighting and camera really is a sight to behold. Acting ability and coherent storytelling are virtually irrelevant to Argento as his movies are all about atmosphere. And none more so than in 1977's Suspiria – the film many see as his masterpiece.

A simple enough story about an American girl who discovers her Berlin ballet school is run by witches, Suspiria wasn't about plot or characters, it was about creating memorable death scenes and an overwhelming sense of dread, its lurid green, blue and red lighting, and overwhelming music score performed by Goblin adding to the general sense of unease and claustrophobia.

In complete contrast to the original, the 2018 remake features muted, subdued colours, long drawn out silences, and an understated music score by Thom Yorke of Radiohead. Shots of fields, pale stone walls and grey skies replace the gaudy colours of the original, and a few pullbacks, crane shots, and 1970s style zooms aside, there's little in the way of creative camera work.

Although it does feature a more cohesive storyline this time, its two and a half hour running time could have definitely do with some trimming. The acting varies from the intense Tilda (Doctor Strange) Swinton to the decent Dakota (Fifty Shades) Johnson, and an almost incoherent Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass), to a supporting cast who appear to be just out of an actual dance school rather than acting classes. In fact, as much time is spent on dance practice and rehearsals as the witches themselves.

While at no point does the remake outdo the original, it's certainly no catastrophe either, holding its own as an art-house piece very well, and rather ironically, only losing itself during the completely surreal and fucked up satanic dance ritual towards the end, when all of a sudden the director decides Dario knew best after all and bathes the screen in vivid blues and reds.

The polar opposite of the original for the most part, Suspiria 2018 is a slow moving, methodically shot film with good performances and a couple of excellent death scenes, but a little too much fat around the edges. Nowhere near as memorable, but still a unique and occasionally baffling experience.

7.5/10
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Re: movies

Postby varangian » Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:28 pm

As a huge aficionado of Dario Argento and Giallo cinema I have always asked with this re-make/re-interpretation, why?
I hear they are re-making Massimo Dallamno`s "What have you done to Solange" which in today`s climate I really cant see given Fabio Testi`s school teacher character having an affair with a pupil, basically the hero is a pedophile!

Giallo and the majority of Italian cinema was a product of time and circumstance, a great alternative for employment for many rather than churning out films in America which today is more or less the only option. The Horror/Spaghetti western/Giallo/Polizio/Spy films/Peplums really are worth a recall for anyone not wholly familiar, you get that whole Latin European rather than Hollywood take on filmaking that makes it so original.

I dont see any directors from Hollywood who could re-do Tenebrae, Profondo Rosso, The Bird with the crystal plumage and hopefully will never happen

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:42 pm

HEAVY TRIP
(2018)

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After twelve years of practicing in a dingy basement, a Finnish heavy metal band decide to record their first original song. After writing their magnum opus, they hand the demo tape to a Norwegian festival promoter who promises to give it a listen. Having not heard anything for a while, the band's singer - not wanting to dishearten his friends - tells them they were booked and the band immediately become celebrities in their little town.

Of course, their path to metal immortality is strewn with obstacles, the most problematic of which happens to be their singer's stage-fright which manifests itself in the form of projectile vomit every time he sets foot on stage. Falling in love with the girl who works at the local flower shop, having a run-in with a local lothario, and being regularly abused by the small town chavs, the singer pulls himself together and the band set out to change the face of Finnish heavy metal forever.

Being a metal fan (obvs), I actually found Heavy Trip to be a lot more enjoyable than I expected. There have been a few attempts at heavy metal comedy, but none have come close to Spinal Tap or Bad News. Mainly because films about heavy metal usually only tend to appeal to fans of heavy metal. While Heavy Trip definitely requires a certain level appreciation towards the genre (if you don't like metal, the songs are going to be nothing but horrible noise in your ears) no real background knowledge is required. There are plenty of in-jokes to keep the trve and kvlt types happy, but nothing that gets in the way of the story. Each character is well defined, and anyone who has been in a band will find it easy to identify with one of the members. I certainly did anyway.

Considering the music being blasted out by the band is extremely heavy Death Metal (sorry... Symphonic Post-Apocalyptic Reindeer-Grinding Christ-Abusing Extreme War Pagan Fennoscandic Metal), the film itself is relatively easy going, good-natured and sympathetic, only going for the real laughs during the last half an hour when things go a bit more bonkers. That said, an aggressive mental patient, two litres of vomit, and a large bucket of reindeer blood being emptied over someone is hardly gentle Rom-Com territory.

Guaranteed to not appeal to everyone (general public in not flocking to see a subtitled Finnish film about an obscure heavy metal band shocker), Heavy Trip is just stupidly entertaining, noisy fun.
All hail Impaled Rektum.
8/10
Last edited by Darkweasel on Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: movies

Postby bloodfiend » Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:49 pm

Darkweasel wrote:[There have been a few attempts at heavy metal comedy, but none have come close to Spinal Tap or Bad News.
8/10


Lords Of Chaos was pretty fun, more of a black comedy though.

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:22 pm

Haven't seen that yet. I know someone who saw it at Sundance last year though, and he liked it.
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Re: movies

Postby bloodfiend » Fri Jan 11, 2019 12:40 pm

Darkweasel wrote:Haven't seen that yet. I know someone who saw it at Sundance last year though, and he liked it.


It's pretty ace, they nicely don't spend time on the semantics of what actually happened in the black metal scene and just make a really fun and gorey movie.

Deathgasm is also a metal comedy done right.

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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Thu Jan 31, 2019 10:11 am

Watched incident in a ghostland. Great film.
I see the bad moon arising.

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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Thu Jan 31, 2019 10:13 am

Darkweasel! Have you seen terrifier?
I see the bad moon arising.