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Sorry to hear about your situation Kane. I can understand your girlfriend being apprehensive about reporting it to the police. While that would be the right thing to do, getting a conviction can be very difficult and going through the whole investigation and trial process can be very traumatic for the victim, especially if the attacker doesn't get a prison term.

I think littlemissmetal's suggestion of encouraging her to contact Rape Crisis is a good one.

...and Boneduster, trolling on this subject really ain't funny.

Sometimes when people experience trauma such as rape, the reaction is to push everyone away. It's not uncommon, sexual abuse can often be the end of healthy relationships. There are all sorts of emotions mixed in that I could think of, guilt, fear, self-loathing etc.
Perhaps by pushing you away and finding solace in someone new she thinks she can get past whatever happened to her. It's really awful, I have no idea why her friends would tell her to ditch you, have you heard any reasoning for that?

kanet666 wrote:

Littlemissmetal wrote:I'm really sorry to hear that A friend of mine endured something very similar. The fear is a completely natural reaction, please try not to take it too personally - it really *isn't* you.

In an ideal world all instances like that should be reported, but most aren't. She needs to make her own decision and will do it regardless of what people say to her - in fact, the more people say "you should report it" to her the less likely she is to actually do it.

A less pressured suggestion to make to her (possibly) is to contact someone like Rape Crisis. It isn't the sort of thing that should be bottled up - that's how my friend tried to deal with it and the aftermath of that approach stopping being effective was horrific. Counselling was the only way forward to her - I think it's something that should be gently encouraged.

She has a counsellor, due to some other things within her past anyway, but I'm not sure she really listens to him. She has a friend who's been through something similar, and basically all the friends she's confided in told her to ditch me. I worry about her because I know she has been harming herself, and there's nothing I can do because she barely talks to me anymore.

Azubi wrote:Really? I'm fairly confident if someone had raped my girlfriend I'd be chasing up the mutual friends to find out who the fuck it was who did it. What I would do once I had found out, I really could not say but not wanting to know just sounds like you couldn't really give a fuck.

It's not that I don't give a fuck, I do, and that is why I don't want to know the attacker because if I did I don't know what I might do to him. It'd just hurt her even more, and that's one thing I don't want to do. In any case, the only mutual friend I know of that knows the identity was one that told her to get rid of me, so I highly doubt I'd get the attacker's identity even if I'd wanted to.


I'm also sorry that I've posted this on here, but there are very few people around me that know about it and I feel I can't talk to them about it for some reason, and this is helping a little. Thankyou.

If you have any mutual friends, (at the risk of sounding a little insensitive) I'd suggest getting one to chat to her and be fair to you, as whilst what's happened to her was clearly horrible, she should still treat you like a fair human, as even if she sees something of that guy in you, you aren't him, and to completely cut you off is unfair.

Whilst some of that may sound a little selfish, getting her to act rationally is the first step towards getting her to open up about it, or even overcoming what happened.

Nantha wrote:Sometimes when people experience trauma such as rape, the reaction is to push everyone away. It's not uncommon, sexual abuse can often be the end of healthy relationships. There are all sorts of emotions mixed in that I could think of, guilt, fear, self-loathing etc.
Perhaps by pushing you away and finding solace in someone new she thinks she can get past whatever happened to her. It's really awful, I have no idea why her friends would tell her to ditch you, have you heard any reasoning for that?

I don't know. I can only assume they've convinced her she's better off going alone without me, and getting over it without my support.

Danroush wrote:If you have any mutual friends, (at the risk of sounding a little insensitive) I'd suggest getting one to chat to her and be fair to you, as whilst what's happened to her was clearly horrible, she should still treat you like a fair human, as even if she sees something of that guy in you, you aren't him, and to completely cut you off is unfair.

Whilst some of that may sound a little selfish, getting her to act rationally is the first step towards getting her to open up about it, or even overcoming what happened.

I managed to get a civilised (if brief) conversation out of her earlier. Didn't really have chance to talk about anything though. It is however, a start.

I can certainly understand kanet's point of view from not wanting to know who it was, to an extent. Even typing a response is making my blood boil about how horrific this must have been for her.

If you can talk to her, eventually, get her to contact Rape Crisis as a couple of others have said, and just let her know that whatever her other friends did or didn't do, you're there for her in whatever capacity she needs. Let us know how things turn out, I hope she does go to the police and they throw away the key, with his shitbag excuses of friends.

Marcus, I'm getting sick of your shit. This is your only warning.

Twaddlefish wrote:I can certainly understand kanet's point of view from not wanting to know who it was, to an extent. Even typing a response is making my blood boil about how horrific this must have been for her.

If you can talk to her, eventually, get her to contact Rape Crisis as a couple of others have said, and just let her know that whatever her other friends did or didn't do, you're there for her in whatever capacity she needs. Let us know how things turn out, I hope she does go to the police and they throw away the key, with his shitbag excuses of friends.

Marcus, I'm getting sick of your shit. This is your only warning.

Boneduster's girlfriend is on the forum anyways. She'll probably end up seeing it anyways...

Wtf is Mario doing in the relationshits thread? Did he come here to lament over Princess Peach?

Possibly. Bitch was always in another castle...

I've just sent off a huge message explaining my feelings for her. I got a friend to proof read her and made her start bawling her eyes out. I even needed help pressing send. I just hope she reads it.

I think if anything was going to put Boneduster's girlfriend off him he would have already managed it by now.

That's horrible though kanet666, hope things start to get better.

kanet666 wrote:I've just sent off a huge message explaining my feelings for her. I got a friend to proof read her and made her start bawling her eyes out. I even needed help pressing send. I just hope she reads it.

I think the most important thing right now is just letting her know you are there for her. Although, I know how much it hurts just not being able to do anything and take all what she's feeling away from her

A couple of years ago the same thing happened to the girl that briefly became my step-daughter, but my knife point, in the bathroom at a house party. Despite her being really close to her mum and her brothers, she couldn't bear to be round her so came to stay with me and her dad for a few weeks. It made her feel safe living in the middle of nowhere 150 odd miles from where it happened, as she knew she could not be found there, though she was still too scared to be on her own. She knew the name of who did it, but would not tell anyone. She went from someone who did not ever stop talking to barely talking at all and when she did, despite having her family who where there for her and being in the same house as her dad she was close to, decided to open up to me. The main thing at that point if she does open up is trust. I had to tell her dad that no matter what I was not going to betray her trust if she did not want me to tell him anything we had talked about. She didn't want to go to the police, but eventually, after a few months, took up the counselling. When she did find someone she trusted to be in a relationship with again, they did a runner once they heard what had happened, so you are already doing the right thing by letting her know how you feel.

Just wondering. You know thes sites like Hard Rock Dating and suchlike, is it fairly normal nowadays to osign up to them, or are they really sad-loser territory? Since i don't really get much chance to get out and meet women anymore, and given that it seems that pretty much all women I seem to meet in the same age group are with someone, it's kinda starting to look more like an option. :/

kanet666 wrote:I've just sent off a huge message explaining my feelings for her. I got a friend to proof read her and made her start bawling her eyes out. I even needed help pressing send. I just hope she reads it.

I really hope it works out for you dude Been reading the posts here. Heavy stuff. It's painful but if you can just give her the time she needs, things should come alright of it

Urisk wrote:Just wondering. You know thes sites like Hard Rock Dating and suchlike, are they really sad-loser territory?

No.

Urisk wrote:Just wondering. You know thes sites like Hard Rock Dating and suchlike, is it fairly normal nowadays to osign up to them, or are they really sad-loser territory?

Not at all. If you think it's a good option than go for it!

Urisk wrote:Just wondering. You know thes sites like Hard Rock Dating and suchlike, is it fairly normal nowadays to osign up to them, or are they really sad-loser territory? Since i don't really get much chance to get out and meet women anymore, and given that it seems that pretty much all women I seem to meet in the same age group are with someone, it's kinda starting to look more like an option. :/

I think it's pretty common nowadays to use dating sites. My mum met her boyfriend on one and has been with him for about 6 years now so it can work out well, although she did meet a fair few weirdos before him...