fluffymoo wrote:Forgot to add actually... Mum put up a status earlier today saying that my grandmother would've been 70 today. I have days where I miss her so much it hurts, days where I feel it's so fucking unfair that she had to die the way she did. Especially since there were arguements about me not seeing her often enough back then because of my former "gaming addiction". I'm glad I had the travelling today to keep me busy though. I'll probably never stop feeling guilty about that tbh.
I don't know the circumstances about your grandmother, but I know the feeling of guilt you have when you don't feel you spent enough time with her. Especially now.
See, a few years ago before my grandfather passed away (he'd be 82 this year), he fell down a small flight of stairs because he had a stroke. And then had another one in the hospital. So for the last few years until this May he's been bed-ridden in a nursing home. He couldn't walk, he couldn't eat without help, he couldn't use the toilet without help, he couldn't dress himself, heck he could barely talk. Thats how damaged he was.
When I was taken to the home to see him the way he was for the first time, it pretty much broke me. I have never seen anyone that miserable in my life. It was heartbreaking seeing how much he wanted to just die. And this went on for 4 years. I just couldn't bare seeing him like that. So I never did until this year. And now I completely regret not spending more time with him.
But, in retrospect, I think everyone wishes they spent more time with people that are now gone. It just means you're human. You'll be alright.
Sorry for the essay there. That was harder to write out than I thought