TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D
The story goes that on August 18th 1973 a group of teenagers were killed by a family of four cannibalistic psychopaths. The last surviving member of the group, a screamy little creature called Sally Hardesty, made one last, desperate bid for freedom through a closed window the following morning, and after being chased by one of the family wielding a chainsaw, finally made her escape in the back of a pick-up truck.
And that's where The Texas Chain Saw Massacre ended.
Now, completely ignoring the three existing sequels (and it's two recent prequels), we open with the local Sheriff rushing to the farmhouse from where Sally had escaped, to confront and arrest the family of people-eating nutters.
Except that now, the family has suddenly and inexplicably increased in size by another four members. And includes a baby.
So, while the local townsfolk (who seem to be aware of the mental health of the family but were happy to let them go about their business until they killed a handful of complete strangers) shoot the psychos and burn down the farmhouse, two of them kidnap the baby, kill its mother, and run off to play happy families.
Okay, so that's at least a little more believable.
The film then cuts to to the present day. Now remember - it's 2012 and the farmhouse was burnt to the ground in 1973. That's a space of 39 years for those of you who can't be bothered to work it out.
And I include the film-makers in that.
Why? Because our leading lady, the baby from 1973, is now apparently only in her mid-twenties. A raven-haired, tightly toned lovely called Heather, with nary a grey hair nor hint of a wrinkle in sight.
Upon hearing she has inherited a mansion from her grandmother, her "parents" tell her that she was actually "adopted" and she runs off crying to South Texas to claim her big house, taking her best friend and her boyfriend with her.
After completely and not at all predictably picking up a hitchhiker along the way, Heather meets the family lawyer at the entrance to her new estate who hands her the keys and a letter. He then very carefully proceeds to tell her (twice in fact) to READ. THE. LETTER.
Remember, Heather. READ THE LETTER.
She doesn't read the letter.
She does, however, read a newspaper detailing the events of the 18th/19th of August 1973.
But somehow the newspaper is also (and very clearly) dated the 19th. That's quite some local paper they have there.
They must also have the fountain of youth there because, apart from having no hair, the sheriff looks identical to how he did in 1973, as does the chap who instigates the burning of the farmhouse, and, well, everybody who was involved with the story back then.
That's not even mentioning Leatherface himself, who at the time was presumably in his late teens/early twenties, making him around 60 years old now, yet still fully capable of chasing kids and camper vans while waving a chainsaw about.
So, anyway, the hitchhiker turns out to be a thief, the boyfriend turns out to be a cheat, and the best friend turns out to be the girl with whom her boyfriend cheated.
Can anybody spell DEAD?
After a friendly game of hide, seek, and chainsaw, and a couple of chases (one of which features a bizarre sort of passing of the torch from the Saw franchise to this new one as a robed character with a pigs head comes face to face with Leatherface), the film eventually disintegrates into a series of increasingly unlikely events (can someone show me where I can buy one of those brilliant mobile phones that streams live and unbroken HD footage directly to police computers?), before finally ending with Leatherface somehow becoming some sort of vigilante hero type.
As a film in its own right, and forgetting all of the baggage of the original and its sequels, it's a fairly mundane, but ultimately harmless affair.
However, as a direct sequel to one of the most influential horror films of the 20th Century, it's nothing short of an abomination.
Yet it somehow still manages to be better than the one with Renée Zellweger.
Why didn't you just read the f**king letter, Heather?