some_thing_wild wrote:You should do Trancers
Bet it'd be an awful time
Genuinely thinking about it...BURIAL GROUND
aka Nights of Terror
aka Zombie Horror
aka The Zombie Dead
A group of permanently horny "jet-setters" (well, that's what the VHS sleeve says anyway) stay in an old mansion to have lots of sex but get interrupted by zombies instead.
Also known, like at least two or three more other completely unrelated films, as Zombi 3, Burial Ground is basically ninety or so minutes of screaming and running away from slow moving actors with plasticine on their faces. Or masks. Or with plasticine on their masks.
Right from the moment an impressively bearded professor wakes up some zombies and seems genuinely surprised they want to kill him ("But... I'm your friend!") to the final scene which cuts off halfway through because they probably didn't have any money left to finish it, Burial Ground is cheap, stupid, badly dubbed Italian fun.
Gino (Piranha 2, Cannibal Ferox) De Rossi's gore effects are pretty good, but the star of the show has to be twenty-five year old actor, Peter Bark, who because of laws restricting children from appearing in certain types of horror films, plays a ten year old boy who fancies his own mum.
One of those zombie films where the slow moving, shambling undead always seem to catch up with their far more agile prey within seconds, the creatures also appear to be considerably more intelligent than the small cast of hopeless morons who run around in circles doing the exact opposite of what any even remotely intelligent person would do. Oh, and the twenty-five year old ten year old ends up biting off his own mother's tit.
6/10THE DEVIL'S HONEY
Famous for horror films such as Zombie Flesh Eaters, The Beyond, and The House by the Cemetery, Italian director, Lucio Fulci, after having taken a year off to recover from Hepatitis, returned to film making of a very different variety in 1986.
Without a gateway to Hell or a zombie in sight, The Devil's Honey (aka Dangerous Obsession) is more like Nine and a Half Weeks, but with a saxophone and sexy revenge.
During a recording session in a music studio, really-good-looking-in-a-mid-eighties-Italian-way saxophonist, Johnny, tells his producers to leave the room so his horny girlfriend, Jessica, can make bizarre finger movements and tell him she doesn't want to have sex with him even though she clearly does. Unperturbed, Johnny takes out his secret weapon. No, not that. His saxophone. And proceeds to lift up her skirt and blow it up her fanny. Sexily, of course. This isn't smut, you know. So, with a sweaty face and a rapist's stare, Johnny plays a sexy sax solo directly onto his girlfriend's nether regions which soon results in her taking her top off and grinding her untrimmed '80s ladygarden onto his instrument, sending her into orgasmic shudders, and Johnny's job is done.
After a bit of pointless exposition on a roller coaster, some rather dangerous motorcycle masturbation,and a bit of unwanted bum fun in the country, Johnny crashes his motorbike and, after initially thinking everything is fine, collapses in the studio and has to be rushed to hospital for surgery. Unfortunately for Johnny, the surgeon is having a bit of a mental breakdown, having sex with dirty prostitutes (especially enjoying himself as one of them paints her laddered stockings and hairy bits with bright red nail varnish), and constantly rowing with his wife, mainly about all the dirty prostitutes he's been having sex with. Anyway, the surgeon looks to have made a total bollocks of the operation and Johnny dies, his sexy sax solos never to be heard again. Well, until the many, many flashbacks anyway.
Blaming the oversexed, henpecked surgeon for her boyfriend's death, Jessica kidnaps him and threatens to kill him in nasty ways. Amid many threats, and one failed drowning, Jessica starts flashing back to her life with Johnny, and eventually begins to realise that maybe he was actually a bit of a controlling twat. Especially after remembering one particularly eventful afternoon at the pictures where, in the middle of a strenuous bout of face licking, she suddenly realises Johnny is happily receiving a blowjob from his gay producer at the same time.
Meanwhile, despite the fact he's been kidnapped, beaten, strangled, fed dog food, had his face, lips, and gums licked (don't even fucking ask), and nearly drowned, the captured surgeon falls head over heels in love with his captor in one of the worst cases of Stockholm Syndrome ever, and after Jessica realises she never really loved Johnny anyway, they both have sex and live happily ever after.
Well, Possibly. The final shot of a gun sat next to the window leaves things pointlessly ambiguous, but by that point you won't care anyway. You'll be far too busy trying to stop hearing sultry saxophone solos playing over everything, everywhere, forever.