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Put the world to rights here (off-topic discussion)
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Darkweasel
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:47 pm

DAY 5

BLOOD FEAST
(2016)

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Opening with a disclaimer similar to the one which accompanied the trailer to director Herschell Gordon Lewis's 1963 original, the opening couple of minutes to this appalling attempt at a remake is pretty much the best things ever get.

Relocating the story to Paris for some reason, the plot remains almost the same as the original with diner owner Fuad Ramses (Robert Rusler from A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2) under the influence of Egyptian (Sumerian in actuality) goddess, Ishtar, appeasing her with blood sacrifices by hacking his way through a bunch of terrible, terrible actors.

The difference this time is that Ramses has a wife (Caroline Williams from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2) and a teenage daughter (played by a thirty-seven year old actress probably best known for her appearance in a Blink-182 music video). Appallingly acted and generally awful, the only highlights are the pleasing amounts of nudity, some of the gore, and a brief, and most welcome appearance by Herschell Gordon Lewis himself.

The first hour is so slow that everything virtually comes to a stop, but it does feature one utterly majestic moment of Joey Tribbiani “smell the fart” acting from Rusler. The rest of the film, however, just sort of mopes along, occasionally aided by some bouncy bits and hearty splashes of blood. The final scenes are quite good, featuring lots of gore and some decent effects for a minute or two, before the whole thing ends so abruptly you think you've missed something.

You did.
The last ninety minutes of your life.
3/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:54 pm

DAY 6

THE HAUNTING OF MORELLA
(1990)

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Based on an Edgar Allan Poe short story, this Roger Corman produced film desperately tries to hearken back to the glory days of his earlier Poe adaptations like House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, and of course, the sumptuous looking The Masque of the Red Death. Unfortunately, without having anything close to that kind of budget to spend, The Haunting of Morella all looks rather cheap, with wobbly sets and wobblier attempts at acting.

Set in the nineteenth century, the film opens with the execution of a witch (the titular Morella) while her husband and baby daughter watch from the trees. Seventeen years later and the daughter, Lenora, is now the spitting image of her late mother, and on the eve of her eighteenth birthday the dead witch decides it's time to take possession of her daughter's body so she can live again. Meanwhile, Lenora's milfy governess does what she can to help by killing sexy ladies to feed the dried-up, glowy-eyed corpse of her mistress kept in the somewhat Lovecraftian looking family mausoleum.

Highlights include one of the soggiest sex scenes to ever take place in a bed, the startling revelation that string-pull bikini bottoms were actually invented in the 1800s, and a miscast David McCallum (The Man From UNCLE) stumbling blindly around, falling over his lines as well as the furniture, while managing to combine boredom, confusion and embarrassment simultaneously. Oh, and lesbians.

Little more than an excuse for casual nudity and wet boobs, The Haunting of Morella is as close to softcore porn than it is to horror. Granted, there are some reasonably bloody moments as throats get cut and eyes are put out, but let's face it - most viewers (well, the male ones at least) will come for the blood but stay for the boobs.
5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 08, 2018 7:03 pm

Day 7

EVIL TOONS
(1992)

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If you've never heard of Fred Olen Ray, then the chances are you've never heard of classic straight to video movies such as Bikini Hoe-Down, Bikini Drive-In, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, The Bikini Escort Company, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, and of course, the legendary Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.

Every bit a Fred Olen Ray movie, Evil Toons (a misnomer in itself as there is actually only one toon in the whole film) is filled with exactly what you would imagine. Tits. Tits, tits, more tits, and some blood.
Fred Olen Ray likes tits.

Four girls wearing skimpy clothes and sexy underwear get changed into skimpier nightdresses and sexier underwear when they turn up at an empty old house to make it ready for the new occupants. Unfortunately, there's a mysterious looking trunk in the cellar which contains a wobbly looking knife and a bargain basement, speaking version of the Necronomicon. It doesn't take a genius to realise straight away that no good will come of this.

Inside the Necronomicon are crudely sketched drawings of monsters and demons, and when the girls read aloud the incantation which they are explicitly warned not to read aloud, a badly animated dog-monster thing leaps out of the pages and, then later, into the body of one of the girls ('80s/'90s hardcore porn star Madison Stone) while she's in the middle of slowly putting on a sexy outfit for some reason.

Clearly without a budget to keep the animation going (the cartoon dog monster gets all of about two minutes actual screen time), the film falls back onto the age old money saving trick of getting the monster to take human form. That way, the rest of the effects budget gets to go on nothing more than a splash or two of blood and a set of over-sized gnashers for the raven haired porn star to wear.

After munching on the neck of her visiting boyfriend, and killing business owner (Dick Miller from Gremlins, and The Howling), the constantly semi-naked Stone chases the other scantily clad, and extremely bouncy girls around the house for next forty minutes or so, killing them one at a time by jumping on them, while gratuitously, but quite wonderfully, tearing off all their clothes. The day is saved when the final girl, Megan (porn and B-movie actress Monique Gabrielle), is helped by a friendly but dead David Carradine in a big hat and a bad, grey wig.

Everything, including the film stock (“short ends” taken from the reels of other films) is cheap and unbelievably tacky, but is also great fun. Especially if you like tits. The completely pointless but completely brilliant scenes where Stone strips naked to bad pop music, and where Gabrielle goes upstairs to fondle herself for no apparent reason are special moments of directorial genius, and it's just a shame that we didn't see the other two actresses (especially porn star Barbara Dare) do much more of the same. In fact, the distracting intrusion of the story is completely unnecessary when you think about it.
5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 08, 2018 7:07 pm

DAY 8

HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS
(1988)

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Every time I do one of these 31 Days... things, I always end up finding and settling on one certain genre or theme for a few days. I've done cannibals, slashers, sci-fi, all kinds of stuff. Well this year, for some reason that theme seems to be softcore horror porn. Having started yesterday with the extremely unclothed 'Evil Toons', I swiftly rearranged myself and moved onto another old “classic” I never got around to watching first time around.

At only 75 minutes in length, and even with more exposed female flesh than thought possible for such a low budget, the majority of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers doesn't manage to live up to its wonderfully shit title. The acting falls firmly into “so bad it's not funny, my head actually hurts watching this” territory, the script really does sound like it's being made up as it goes along, and considering Fred Olen Ray had directed 15 features before this, he still wasn't even close to being a good director. And with over 150 titles to his name now, he still isn't.

If you have a film that literally pulsates and throbs with bouncing boobs, exposed nipples, and overgrown hairygardens and you still find your interest slumping, then you must be doing something wrong. Even some glorious overacting by Gunnar (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre) Hansen wearing some equally glorious eyeliner can't stop the inevitable finger hovering over the fast forward button. It's quite lucky then, that the last twenty minutes are so utterly tremendous that they actually save the whole film.

Naked fire-eating, Gunnar Hansen in a shiny black robe, Michelle Bauer almost wearing a sexy red dress, a naked and body-painted Linnea Quigley, a naked chainsaw dance, and a naked chainsaw fight make the last part of the film a different experience entirely. The first hour might only be held together by a few splashes and squirts of red food colouring, and some rubber body parts and tits, but the remainder is really quite wonderful.

I take it back, Mr Olen Ray. You fucking genius, you.
6/10
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Re: movies

Postby houston4044 » Mon Oct 08, 2018 7:09 pm

Saw the new Johnny English, not worth it tbh. It's about as funny as 2 was (so not very) but it's literally just a sequence of telegraphed cheap jokes with no real attempt at much of a story. Reminds me of Die Hard 5 in that they just took an unwanted script and just slapped a poorly fitting franchise on it.

That said, the first one is a classic.

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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Tue Oct 09, 2018 3:41 pm

houston4044 wrote:Saw the new Johnny English, not worth it tbh. It's about as funny as 2 was (so not very) but it's literally just a sequence of telegraphed cheap jokes with no real attempt at much of a story. Reminds me of Die Hard 5 in that they just took an unwanted script and just slapped a poorly fitting franchise on it.

That said, the first one is a classic.


I hope you didn't pay money to see that in the cinema :lol:
I see the bad moon arising.

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:43 pm

DAY 9

NIGHTMARE SISTERS
(1988)

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Along with Fred Olen Ray, Roger Corman, and Jim Wynorski, David DeCoteau is one of the most prolific directors in B-Movie Land. With an unbelievable 458 directorial credits between the four of them, DeCoteau is responsible for 103 of those himself, the unfeasibly lengthy list including such awe-inspiring titles as Creepozoids, Dreamaniac, Puppet Master III, Beach Babes From Beyond, Revenge of the Babes, and of course, the seminal Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama.

Nightmare Sisters, while not one of his greatest achievements, is still 80 minutes of stupid, no budget fun about a succubus that possesses the bodies of three nerdy girls with bad hair and buck teeth (the not at all nerdy Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer), turning them into sexy bimbo sluts from hell, eager to suck on the life force of their equally nerdy male dates.

Three jock types follow the nerds to the sorority house, and one by one get picked off themselves instead. The girls soon get down to business with their mouths and tongues before the unfortunate jocks explode into a pile of ash, their souls devoured by the demonic entity.

A bargain basement priest turns up along with some bargain basement effects and some seriously bargain basement acting. We also get a song from Quigley, included only to promote her short-lived punk band, The Skirts, before the whole thing ends happily ever after with the demon exorcised. Happily, the girls remain their sexy selves instead of returning to their former looks and celebrate with a nice wholesome game of Twister.

Oh yes, and I nearly forgot.
There are tits everywhere.

From the moment the girls get possessed, Quigley, Brinks, and Bauer are either naked, naked and wet, or naked, soapy and wet. There's a bath scene which goes on for nearly ten minutes, and as the girls trick their victims, they get to wear sexy bikinis and skimpy costumes, while at one point Bauer shows what she can do with a banana and no gag reflex.

But yeah, soapy tits basically.
5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:46 pm

DAY 10

SCREAM QUEEN HOT TUB PARTY
(1991)

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Even for director Fred Olen Ray (here going under the name 'Bill Carson'), Scream Queen Hot Tub Party is a bit of an anomaly. A sort of fake documentary with tits, SQHTP looks like it may have actually begun life as a genuine movie, but ended up as this due to lack of interest and/or money.

Filmed entirely on home video, Olen Ray's “film” manages to possess an even sleazier than usual feel to it, looking more like a hardcore porn production than anything else. And with five very sexy young ladies spending most of their time getting naked, wearing skimpy swimsuits, or soaping themselves down, you could be forgiven for thinking it might turn into something a little more adult at some point.

It doesn't though. In fact, for such an obviously sleazy idea, the finished article somehow manages to come across as unexpectedly innocent. Even the script is surprisingly intuitive in places, occasionally coming across as meta decades before meta became a thing.
Basically, what we have is five actual “scream queens” playing themselves - Brinke Stevens (Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity), Monique Gabrielle (Evil Toons), Kelli Maroney (Chopping Mall), Michelle Bauer (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), and Roxanne Kernohan (Critters 2). After arriving at a house at the invitation of a mysterious Dr Orloc, the girls simply decide to get naked and into a hot tub before turning the film into a pseudo-documentary, explaining the do's and don'ts of showering, bathing, and generally being naked in horror movie situations.

This entails a good hour of the seventy-one minute running time becoming a clip show using lengthy, and predictably lathery, sequences lifted from the likes of Slumber Party Massacre 2, Transylvania Twist, Sorority House Massacre II, and (the yet to be released) Evil Toons.

The acting requirements are minimal, there's no story whatsoever, and if you take out the movie clips, all you're left with is twenty minutes of sexy girls soaping each other down in a hot tub.
Er.. why am I saying that like it's a bad thing?
5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:52 pm

Maybe review some hardcore porn next.
I see the bad moon arising.

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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:02 am

Ghost wrote:Maybe review some hardcore porn next.

I did that a couple of years ago with a Halloween porn parody. :lol:
It was quite good tbf.


DAY #11

CUJO
(1983)

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A walloping great Saint Bernard called Cujo chases a rabbit into a bat cave, but instead of the nocturnal inhabitants being all cool and darkly gothic about it by turning him into Batdog, one of fluttery little bastards bites him on the nose, giving him a nasty case of rabies instead.

Over the next few days, Cujo is slowly driven mad by the disease, foaming at the mouth and dribbling worse than a teething one year old. The dog's owner, a mechanic called Joe Camber (Ed Lauter from Youngblood and Death Wish 3), doesn't notice anything is wrong with the slobbering hound at first and packs his family off on holiday so he can get some quality drinking done. Dee Wallace (E.T.) and her young son bring their temperamental family car to the Camber's farm to be repaired, but Cujo, having recently snacked on his owner and his best friend, isn't too happy about that. Wallace's car inevitably dies, her son begins to dehydrate in the scorching heat, and the monster dog tries to smash, bite and claw its way in.

Much like the Stephen king source material, the first half of Cujo takes a while to really go anywhere. It sets itself up with a lawsuit story and an adultery subplot, neither of which are massively important for a film which, although it wants to be a commentary on dysfunctional families, is basically just a story about a demented dog. There are some nice touches in the first half though. The opening scene where Wallace's son runs to his bed in slow motion, hoping to avoid the invisible monster from his imagination, is done superbly, as is the scene where an out of sorts Cujo materialises from thick fog.

However, the second half of the film, right from when Wallace rolls up in her car with her son in tow, is a totally different beast. The tension is ratcheted up by the minute as Wallace becomes increasingly desperate to escape her stranded, besieged vehicle and save her wilting son. The lumbering canine provides both shadowy menace and visceral threat, while also managing to overcome the most common problem horror film directors encounter while using a real animal - actually looking scary when it's needed the most.

A combination of muddy fur, wet and dry drool/foam, and a blood-caked snout make Cujo look every bit as scary as a dog that size could, and more. Yet at the same time there are many moments when you still empathise with the unlucky animal. This dichotomy only lasts until the last ten to fifteen minutes though, because when Cujo finally hits full rampage mode, you really want the big barky fucker dead.

Anyone who has read the book will probably be disappointed with the "nice" ending the film has to offer, but if you want horrible Stephen King related endings then go and watch The Mist instead.
8/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:02 am

DAY 12

Yeah, we're doing these now.
All of them.

WRONG TURN
(2003)

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With standard stalk and slash horror films being at a premium around the turn of the millenium, a new franchise was needed to give things a serious shove back to the glory days of the '70s and '80s. The Halloween series was struggling, Jason Voorhees had jumped the shark so far he'd ended up in space, and A Nightmare on Elm Street had stalled completely after 1994's post-modern Scream warm-up (another series which ended in 2000).

Slasher films were still doing the rounds of course, but between '00 and '02, the only notable entries were Scream 3, Jeepers Creepers, Cherry Falls, Urban Legends 2, Jason X, Valentine (does anyone even remember that?), and the appalling Halloween Resurrection. With the genre in need of a boost, 2003 ended up becoming a bit of an, ahem... turning point, as along with Wrong Turn, House of 1000 Corpses, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, Freddy vs Jason, and Jeepers Creepers 2 all did well at the box office, and helped pave the way for even nastier films like Hatchet, Hostel, The Devil's Rejects, a brutal remake of The Hills Have Eyes, and the Saw series.

But for now, back to 2003.

Set in West Virginia but filmed in Canada, Wrong Turn really is as simple as it gets. A bunch of twenty-somethings get stranded in a forest and get picked off by inbred mutant hillbilly types. The characters/mutant fodder are likeable types for the most part, the main pair of Eliza (Buffy) Dushku and Desmond (Dexter) Harrington doing their best to survive until the closing credits without slipping into unrealistic romance territory (that part was thankfully left on the cutting room floor). Jeremy Sisto from Six Feet Under plays another one of the unlucky hikers, but the real star of the show is the gore.

Steering away from unrealistic CGI blood, the original wisely keeps things traditional for the most part by using practical effects wherever possible. There are a couple of CGI shots, but they're over quickly and executed well. Easily the best film in the series, Wrong Turn moves along briskly and the suspense is racked up nicely, especially the scene where the four hapless victims are trapped in the house with the (thankfully unaware) murderous mutants.
7.5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:37 pm

DAY 13

WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END
(2007)

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With the original Wrong Turn having done so well, the inevitable sequel arrived, but surprisingly not until four years later. With so much time having passed, instead of leading the pack, Wrong Turn found itself playing catch-up with other recently established horror series like Saw, Hostel, the rebooted Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Hills Have Eyes, and Final Destination.

Although the basic premise of “hillbilly mutants kill people in the woods” stays exactly the same, the sequel sensibly shakes things up as much as it can. Instead of a bunch twenty-somethings who wander around and get lost in the woods, this time we have a reality TV survival show where the contestants wander around and get lost in the woods. A big plus point for Wrong Turn 2 is the former army colonel, Dale Murphy, played by the mighty Henry Rollins. Rollins might not be the greatest actor to have ever graced the movie screen, but without his personality, this film would have sunk without trace.

Following the rules of the sequel, the gore quotient goes up, the amount of murders goes up, but unfortunately so does the level of CGI blood. The death sequences straddle that fine line between brutal and laugh out loud funny, the victims are either likeable sorts you are genuinely sorry to see go, or the type you can't wait to see on the receiving end of an axe or a well placed arrow or three. It's nice and bloody, features some lovely gratuitous nudity, and the music score comes courtesy of an up-and-coming Bear McCreary (The Walking Dead, Agents of SHIELD).

The only (and in fairness, pretty insignificant) problem with Wrong Turn 2 is its continuity to the first film. One surviving mutant (the perma-chuckling Three Finger) returns, but now he has a completely different family, and has rather confusingly relocated to a completely different place while somehow managing to stay in exactly the same location. The outdoor field used to dump the vehicles of their victims is now inexplicably safely tucked away indoors, and the unhelpful, toothless old man from the original returns, but now he's apparently part of the family. All of this makes for a film which doesn't seem to know if it's a sequel or a remake. But at the end of the day, when there's that much blood flying around, does that really even matter?
6.5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Sun Oct 14, 2018 2:10 pm

WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD
(2009)

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And so, the series with conveniently interchangeable subtitles continues, but this time only straight to DVD. With a much smaller budget than the first two films, something had to suffer, and with the second sequel that something was, well... everything.

With a cast gathered primarily from England, the only recognisable American actor here is Mac McDonald, and even he's mostly known for English comedy show Red Dwarf and appearances on other UK based television programmes. Sadly, the “English people make better villains” thing is blown out of the water here by the film's lead goon, Tamer Hassan. A Turkish Cypriot from the east end of London playing a Mexican criminal in an American based movie filmed in Bulgaria. Not altogether unexpectedly, Hassan's accent is as tortured as most of the movie's more unfortunate victims.

To the series credit, at least this sequel tries something new. This time it's a busload of convicts chained at the ankles, who are hunted by the mutant known to the credits of all three films so far as “Three Finger”. Having lived with one set of mutants in the first film, Three Finger apparently moved in with another set for the sequel, and in this one he lives with a brand new brother, the imaginatively named “Three Toes”. How many more family members does the dungaree wearing lunatic actually have lurking around the woods?
Wait until Part 6 for your answer.

Anyway, everyone gets killed in messy ways, there are the first signs of the torture porn road the series would soon go down, the gore is plentiful but now also extremely cheap looking (the part where one guy gets sliced into three vertical slices is nothing short of embarrassing) and each kill features way too much computer rendered blood. There's still a healthy amount of actual gore, but most of it just looks like it was thrown together at the last minute. As does the mean-spirited, tagged-on ending that somehow manages to be simultaneously annoying, unnecessary, confusing, contrived and utterly shit.
4.5/10
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Re: movies

Postby Darkweasel » Mon Oct 15, 2018 5:57 pm

DAY #15

WRONG TURN 4 - BLOODY BEGINNINGS
(2011)

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Switching from the picturesque and uniquely irreplaceable American West Virginian mountains (filmed so far in Ontario, Vancouver, and Bulgaria) to the whiter, and much colder climes of Manitoba (Canada again), Wrong Turn 4 does its best to serve as a plot-hole laden prequel to the original movie.

In 1974, a young Saw-Tooth, One Eye and Three Finger - the three mutant brothers from the first film - are being held in a large and absolutely inescapable mental asylum.
As they make their easy escape, the trio let everyone else out of their cages in the process, literally letting the inmates take over the asylum. Blood, guts and severed limbs are scattered and spattered all over the place during one of the goriest sequences in the series to date. Okay, the effects aren't amazing but they do the trick. Besides nothing can be as bad as the guy sliced into three CGI pieces in the last one.

Cutting to 2003, presumably a few weeks before Eliza Dushku and Officer Joey from Dexter arrive in the not-really-West-Virginia woods, the inbred trio are now all grown up and still living in the asylum in the middle of snowy nowhere. After a brilliant but completely unnecessary opening sequence featuring some sweaty and vigorous boy/girl, girl/girl sexytime, four horny couples head up the snowy hills for a spot of sex and skiing, but get lost and end up... oh, just have a guess.

After some more absolutely-integral-to-the-plot lesbian fun, the teens start getting picked off one at a time in true slasher style, each of them being deaderised in extremely gory, but increasingly unfeasible ways. By the time the mutants start slowly skinning one unfortunate victim and eating the bits of flesh in front of him, the series has clearly made its choice to become the next Hostel.

As is standard with the majority of horror prequels, there can be no survivors as that would raise too many questions when watching the original again, and that turns out to be the case here too with a final sequence even more mind-bogglingly stupid than the one in the previous film.

However, even then we're still left with some unanswered questions. If the mutants have lived at the asylum their whole lives then where did the field of abandoned cars in the first film come from, and where did all the cars inside the paper mill come from too? If there's only three of them, how come Three Finger has another brother in the third film, and an entire new family in the second? But most importantly of all, why do I even care?
4/10
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Re: movies

Postby Ghost » Mon Oct 15, 2018 6:20 pm

Which wrong turn stars Roxanne palletts breasts? Which was inferior to her breasts previous film of Lake placid 3.
On a side note. Wrong turn is getting a remake.
I see the bad moon arising.