My first book, "KERBY"

[gee]

Folks,

I've written a (very silly) book about growing up in Scotland in the late 1980s and 90s, called "KERBY: Funny tales from a 1990's Scottish childhood".

It should hopefully raise a good chuckle and stir happy memories for folk on here. Stories of classroom mischief, trading gingie bottles, the TV and film of the time, embarrassing amounts of vomiting, more than one toilet incident, football with jumpers for goalposts, etc.

Out now and available in paperback and eBook at http://tinyurl.com/pfg3t7n

Facebook page has a fair bit of content like first line, a bit of an interview that features in it, some daft videos and a few other bits that give a flavour - https://facebook.com/KERBYbook

[Jim]

Looks like it'll describe my childhood quite accurately, will pick up a kindle copy soon!

[gee]

Looks like it'll describe my childhood quite accurately, will pick up a kindle copy soon!

Thanks mate, much obliged. Be sure to let me know once you've bought it and whether you're enjoying it. If you do like it then it would be a great help if you could leave an Amazon review

The reviews have started coming in:

"Finished the book. Hilarious. Brilliant."
***
"Great last chapter. Pulled it together. Superb ending."
***
"Got this last night and I've laughed at it all the way through so far.
Brings back how daft I was when I was younger, all the while thinking that my hair-brained schemes were genius."
***
"Fantastic. Brilliant bit of nostalgia and lots of memories!"
***
"Bought this on e-book yesterday and have been pissing myself laughing all the way through it so far (up to Chapter IV). Being born in the late 80's, I can relate to almost all of the nostalgic tales, of the outstanding TV programmes (I still dream of Kelly Kapowski), the building of bogies and dens with friends during those endless summer days and the minefield that was related to breaking your VL. Can't recommend more. Bravo."
***
"Loved the British Bulldog section"
***
"Absolutely hilarious. I laughed so hard my kids came to see why Mummy was crying! Riotous from start to finish, I couldn't put it down. Ordered on Wednesday, received on Thursday, finished by Friday teatime. Anyone born between 1980-1990 MUST read this book and everyone else with a taste for jokes, japes and nostalgia should probably give it a look as well. Ten thumbs up!!!"
***
"I loved the stuff about childhood games, school subjects, football. The whole book is brilliant."
***
"When I wasn't crying with laughter I was nodding in nostalgic agreement! Captures growing up in 90's Scotland perfectly, from school traditions to classic kids tv - I will be showing this book to my kids so they know what a proper childhood is! Definitely recommend, I slam my Pogs in your general direction Mr. Johnston!"

[gee]

Free chapter:

https://www.sendspace.com/file/sr2tah

First line:



A wee look inside the book, at a chapter discussing childhood toys and games:





Kindle's text-to-speech feature tries to cope with Kerby:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAmRpLa1SsQ

In one chapter, I interview my good pal Peter McCaughan, from Northern Ireland, to see how universal my childhood memories are - growing up over there, did kids skeg each other, and if so, what did they call it? Did the yo-yo craze of the late 90s make it across the pond? Did folk at his school also use lunchtime as an excuse to batter each other with WWF wrestling moves?

The first question and answer of the interview are posted below:

G: I have a theory that as well as a ‘dog in school day’, every school has a ‘Phantom Shitter’; a mysterious pupil who randomly poos in unexpected places such as urinals, sinks or even corridors. Any stories which help verify this?

P: I absolutely do, man. We most certainly did have a Phantom Shitter.
I remember it really well; it was one of the best days in school. I was sitting in R.E., Religious Education, and a guy literally burst into the room and said ‘Oh my god, someone’s done a shite on the floor of the toilet!’
They had done a shit on the floor and obviously I ran pretty much straight out to go and look at it. The whole day was magical: people bringing their friends in, even girls just going ‘Look at that!’
It was just amazing.

G: You actually ran out of class to go check it out?

P: Yeah, pretty much. It was one of those days where, you know, it was a substitute teacher or something where it wasn’t a *real* class, so it was definitely okay. But I think even if it hadn’t have been that kinda class, I would have run out. It’s not every day that somebody does an honest-to-god shit on the floor.
What you might be interested in is that I heard of some new developments on this. A family member is a teacher in a school and they were telling me that they have a real ongoing problem at the minute with something called ‘hot-dogging’, where these guys are getting hot dog buns from the canteen and doing shites in them and leaving them all round the school!
Like they’ll be turning up on top of door frames so that somebody opens the door. It’s kind of like the old Beano water bucket thing but it’s a hot dog bun with a shite on it!
So I really like that there’s been real progress. For me, I thought it had reached its logical conclusion, but it seems like there’s miles to go. We’re standing on the shoulders of giants, man.

G: It’s a wee bit like Heelys all over again. I don’t know if you’ve seen these little shoes that kids have now, they’ve got wheels on the bottom. They can just skate through supermarkets and down corridors. I look at them and go: ‘Why the fuck did we not have them when we were kids?!’
It’s like that all over again.

P: Totally. It’s the Heelys of shites.

[Fjar]

Bought it on Kindle.

[Jim]

I managed to get British Bulldog banned from my school! Chipped a bone in my elbow playing it

[VirginInvader]

I'm surprised you were ever allowed to play games with "British" in the title

[gee]

Bought it on Kindle.

That's brilliant thanks, much obliged.

Please leave it an Amazon review if you enjoy it If you don't, PM me and we can arrange a fee for your silence...

[MetalBeast]

Round here, in British Bulldog, we didn't have the chant rule but you had to lift your opponent so that both feet left the ground (leaving smaller kids at a distinct disadvantage).

When British Bulldog and Red Rover were banned at my primary school, we invented a Birtish Bulldog alternative called "spider" where the eponymous "spiders" had to drag other players to the "web" (usually the centre circle, if the bit of playground we were on was painted up as a football pitch and nobody was playing football) rather than doing the chant or picking them off the ground. How that never got banned too, I will never know.

[gee]

Picking folk up so their both feet left the ground?!

Jesus. I can only imagine the injuries and letters home!

[gee]

Now over 50 Amazon reviews, with a rating of 5 stars. Here's a wee poster I whipped up:

[gee]

Any BOAers who checked the book out had a chance to finish it yet?

Pleased to report that it's closing in on 400 sales and had mostly great feedback so far

[gee]

Over 400 copies sold in six months, delighted.

[Tet]

Over 400 copies sold in six months, delighted.

How many did you need to break even? My other half's book was 421 copies (which we did in about 6 months).

[gee]

Over 400 copies sold in six months, delighted.

How many did you need to break even? My other half's book was 421 copies (which we did in about 6 months).

As it's self published, there were no costs to me. I kept the paperback dirt cheap so I'm literally only making pennies on it, and don't make much on the ebooks either, but the beauty obviously is that any profit there is once Amazon have taken their hefty share is all mine.

Had two targets for first year, sell 500 copies and get 100 reviews on Amazon. Probably about 70 shy of sales and as of this morning, only need 7 more reviews. I have until March to reach those targets so I'm hopeful!