The Relationships Thread

[Fjar]

You're not over-reacting at all. But be careful about public accusations. I feel like a kneejerk reaction in retrospect to try and punish him isn't the way to deal with these dickheads.

It's absolutely wrong and shouldn't happen but ultimately a lot of men are just creeps and horrid.

It's easy to say this when you're not actually in the moment, but when this happens, the thing to do is to scream loudly "Why are you touching me with your disgusting crotch, you ugly fucking shitstain?!" or words to that effect. Make the scene that he's hoping you won't make. They prey on the very fact that women will avoid shouting in public.

Remember, and please tell your sister, if he dares to do it again, shout for all you're worth. Even if the fear makes you cry, just do it loudly.

Source: I was slowly and silently touched up on a train and pinned against the window, and then followed onto the station when I left the train to get away. I wish I'd shouted and screamed back then.

[Bisset]

Ach just give him a kiss.

A Glasgow kiss that is.

[Tet]

knife this guy in the dick.

Remind me to try and avoid doing anything that makes you think I'm creepy. That sounds... unpleasant!

[Warlock]

Everyone has preferences. But you need to decide whether someone who decides if they want to be with you based on what clothes you wear and what piercings or tattoos you have is the kind of person you want to be with.

But changing yourself to fit someone else's preferences, purely in order to fulfil some kind of stereotype is a bit stupid, dude.

I was only joking in the last bit about changing my look, I'm not going too! I was just wondering on a certain level if it affects alt peoples attraction. I do not care how they dress so would hope if it was the same the other way round! I know it's stupid to just change based on other people i wasn't suggesting I was going too, I was just wondering if it affects things

[Warlock]

Anyone who cares that much about how you dress is not worth your time, anyway. I personally don't give a fuck how someone chooses to dress, no matter their choice of music.

What matters is that you have a connection/stuff in common/can actually hold a decent conversation. While it's cool to have a preference for long hair (I do myself), I personally would not give the time of day to someone who put that above a decent personality.

TLDR: The only time you should make a major change in yourself is for YOUR happiness.

Yeah I totally agree with you, and of course those things are more important! Maybe I've just had some bad luck coming across very shallow people! In my experience alot of alt girls seem to only go for the stereotypical look.
And thanks for that! But again I'm not suggesting I'm gonna change, just frustrates me because I consider myself alternative or metal or whatever and feel like I'm overlooked because I don't feel the need to show it all the time

[Warlock]

Work on getting in shape and keeping your options open about potential partners instead. It'll put you in a good state of mind and you'll look more interesting to talk to than someone with spikes.

Yeah thats true man, well hopefully! good advice

[Warlock]

Anyone who cares that much about how you dress is not worth your time, anyway. I personally don't give a fuck how someone chooses to dress, no matter their choice of music.

What matters is that you have a connection/stuff in common/can actually hold a decent conversation. While it's cool to have a preference for long hair (I do myself), I personally would not give the time of day to someone who put that above a decent personality.

TLDR: The only time you should make a major change in yourself is for YOUR happiness.

Gotta disagree here, at least on the first part. Sexual attraction is an important part of relationship, and that will be affected by how you dress/look from day to day. Now of course core personality is more important than aesthetics, but don't avoid caring about aesthetics altogether just because personality is more important in a 1:1 comparison.

This doesn't mean you should go for a drastic change in appearance either, mind. Just that if you do feel comfortable in more alt attire anyway, and have some spare money, just buy a pair or two of more alternative trousers for example, then throw them on once in a while, such as when going to a gig or festival etc.

Think of it this way. The fact that you're asking us this means you have some level of insecurity on the matter, so trying out some more alternative clothing (provided you pick something you like) will give you a confidence boost too!

Yeah good points, I guess everyones a bit insecure about something, maybe that's what has held me back, but I'm not suggesting I'm going to suddenly change. I have been trying to grow my hair but I'm kinda giving up as it's just not working with my type of hair, it looks way better short! I still wear band t shirts and jackets so maybe I just need to look at it differently. Oh and thanks for all the advice and tips guys! Hope I haven't come off as someone who would just change for other people, I'm not and won't, it's just something I wanted to find out get some opinions on
Oh and sorry for multiple posts!

[Warlock]

So yeah, can confirm that definitely happened. No mights or maybes. I got mum to talk to my sister but she lied and said nothing had really happened. Am I overreacting? I'm furious and feel ready to puke.

This guy is an old family friend and I know some people don't want to "cause a scene", but why the fuck am I the only one in my family who thinks he's a fucking creep for what he did? He's well aware that my sis is in a long term happy relationship. Help, guys. Am I being a drama queen here? Knowing my recent diagnosis I know a big part of it is that people like me tend to be super extra sensitive.

Ps. Sorry for bringing down the thread.

No your definately not overreacting or being overly sensitive! That is pretty messed up! I agree with with Fjar, don't be afraid to highlight the issue

[VizardAmata]

Anyone who cares that much about how you dress is not worth your time, anyway. I personally don't give a fuck how someone chooses to dress, no matter their choice of music.

What matters is that you have a connection/stuff in common/can actually hold a decent conversation. While it's cool to have a preference for long hair (I do myself), I personally would not give the time of day to someone who put that above a decent personality.

TLDR: The only time you should make a major change in yourself is for YOUR happiness.

Yeah I totally agree with you, and of course those things are more important! Maybe I've just had some bad luck coming across very shallow people! In my experience alot of alt girls seem to only go for the stereotypical look.
And thanks for that! But again I'm not suggesting I'm gonna change, just frustrates me because I consider myself alternative or metal or whatever and feel like I'm overlooked because I don't feel the need to show it all the time

Oh I completely understand your frustrations! As someone who is very much a tomboy, I don't get even looked at most of the time. But it's how I'm comfortable, so whatever. Someone worthwhile will actually not care about that, anyway.

As I said, if you want to change for YOU, then go for it. I've just seen what happens when people change into some kind of "mould" for someone/people. I tried it myself for years, to be "normal" (whatever the fuck that is) and it just didn't work.

[Nantha]

Well actually as an 'alternative' teenage girl, I tell you that looks and clothing did matter to me.
When I was younger I wouldn't look twice at a guy who didn't have long hair or was into good music, because I was massively superficial, a lot of girls I knew were, we'd croon over the same hot guys in bands, and they all kind of looked the same.
Now I'm older I don't really give a toss, not only am I over 'the scene' but I'm also over guys in the scene, I value a vast amount of other features over 'Is he in a cool band, does he have cool tattoos' etc, but I'm not gonna lie, I spent a lot of years when that was the case.

[VizardAmata]

I think many people went through that stage, Nantha. I have no idea how old Warlock is, or the women he's looking at, but it is a rather typical attitude of younger people. Most grow out of it (like yourself), but sadly some are like that even they're "adults".

[Gandalf the Red]

Alt Girl? The phrase conjures up images of someone with dyed hair, piercings and crap tattoos who is trying too hard to me.

Personally I normally wouldn't go out with someone who wasn't from the Metal, Rock, Folk or Biker "scenes", or at least has a vague like of it. Student types (or ex-students as I'm now getting on a bit ) are also on my radar. Mostly though it's women that I can have a drink and a decent conversation with in the pub now days.

I wouldn't go out with someone that watches stuff like X Factor, soaps, Big Brother and likes Pop music again. Tried that and it definitely wasn't for me. She had no knowledge of Metal and wouldn't go out drinking in my regular places or go to a gig. One night she asked who I was going to see. The look on her face when I said Basement Torture Killings was priceless.

[VizardAmata]

One night she asked who I was going to see. The look on her face when I said Basement Torture Killings was priceless.

Oh man that sounds amazing.

[Slev]

There are effectively three parts to a sucessful relationship:

a) Compatible personality: You have to get on with each other.
b) Compatible intrests: You have to have something you can enjoy together.
c) Mutual attraction: You have to find each other attractive.

Lack C, and you have a good friend.
Lack B and you have a short term affair or FWB.
Lack A and you have a one night stand.

Not everyone dresses to the sub culture (especially these days). What we all find attractive is entirely subjective.

I know I tend to find less mainstream women more attractive, but that doesn't mean I don't find any mainstream women attractive. Presumably, there would be a prarallel feeling from the ladies.

Of course, if you have intrests beyond music, you may find a compatible other-half who shares those intrests instead.

[onona]

Was absently reading this thread while drinking my post-lunch coffee, and had to comment on this:

He feels I owe him because he's "a nice guy".

Aren't these guys just the fucking worst? Self-proclaimed "nice guys" are, 99% of the time, anything but. They treat sex and relationships like transactions; put in enough deposits of "niceness" (usually involving shallow crap like buying drinks and saying your hair looks nice), and they'll get paid out in pussy. And when it doesn't work , and that's usually the case, it's because women are all shallow whores who just want to use guys for money, and not because he's being, you know, a fucking disgusting creep. It's borderline sociopathic, and sadly disturbingly prevalent - in fact, it's one of the bedrocks of the entire MRA movement. I'm really sorry that your sister had to endure his unsolicited boner rubbing and that he's got his eyes set on you too. I had an experience with a similar type when I was younger and it still makes me shudder to think about it.